Month: December 2025

Some people are intimidated by the
Camaraderie displayed by others–
I am frightened by it because
I’m worried I’ll lose myself
And become more like you
If I try to partake in it

Some people fear the
Intensity of their emotions–
I dread being human because
I can feel everything
Tiny pokes to the heart
Feel like knives
Annoyances that simmer
Reach nuclear criticality
A contentment loses containment
Bursting the dam overflowing drowning

Some people are scared by the informality
The nonsense tossed around like playthings
Words others speak actions others take
That is somehow comforting
Small talk casual conversation
Weather fashion sports gossip
Sarcasm foul humor–
I fear these things because
I can never wield them
As effectively as you

Stuck in a stone?
On loan from some lake lady?
I guess it
Doesn’t matter
How I obtained you
As long as
Everyone agrees
You’re still proof
That I’m the true king

Introductions made
Secret handshakes
Unholy fist bumps exchanged
Then you stare at me
With longing eyes
“Is there something
You need?” I ask
Though I know what is to proceed
All you can mutter are the words–
To know you

To know me indeed!

My heart a necropolis
Graves opened corpses robbed
Trinkets of everlasting hope stolen
Promises of everlasting life broken
My mind a death maze
Possibilities trapped no way out
Paths forever Sisyphean routes
My body an open wound
Oozing defecating escalating
Cause and treatment not found–

“To know me?
Why do you seek
Such a burden?”

Because human
Breath confines you said
Thoughts are prisons you said
Heart stains clarity you said–

Then you grasped all corners
Of your geometry and pulled
Teared and teared some more
Until you laid bare the
Terrible beauty within
And there was nothing

Not even angels wept

And that’s when I knew
You were worthy

True horror comes not from
Being ignored by eldritch beings but from
Being ignored by human beings while
The gods clearly see you

Dragging emotions around
My heart a hand grenade
Fragging my intellect full metal round
Detonates on the sleeve cradle now grave

Lucky shot cupid weapons hot
Take cover down down down
Get a bearing now now now
But cannot target the knave

Adrenaline spike came and went
Now bleeding out so much blood
Cannot stand left crawling no time left
Swarm of leeches hidden in mud

They dine on what was mine
Can’t they wait?
They feast on what I had least
Can’t they wait?
They devour me in the red-stained bower
They can’t wait
To gain my weight

So here’s the plan–
When the others
Begin to arrive
You’ll shut yourself in
If needed you’ll
Have your headphones
With you so use them
To dampen noise further
People may wish to come in
So let them
Only speak when spoken to
Minimize eye contact
Use concise responses
Do not engage them
Longer than necessary
Integrity of your sanctuary
Is paramount
For meetings
You’re there for task talk
Not for the small talk–
See rules of engagement above
Regarding sanctuary invaders
When you take breaks
Go alone
Don’t forget your phone and
Glasses in case you
Want to read something
If you must attend
Any social events
Arrive last at best or
Later at worst
Sit with people you recognize
Because the devil you know
Is better than the one you don’t
Finally most people
You meet may seem
Civil polite nice–
Yet you’re a tool to them
That keeps them
From being bored
That helps them
Pass the time and
Even get work done
Don’t expect more than that

Remember everything
I told you and you should
Be able to survive
Maybe

You said hurtful things
Words you had no right to tell me
We are strangers
There’s no basis for your feelings

Deep in the depths
Some part of me
Still thinks I am
Attractive
To someone
But who?
Is it someone who I also
Find attractive?
Someone who I can grow
To love?

First day there was a storm
The horses escaped
Before I could close the barn doors–

First week I wanted
To do a good job
Hours cleaning the stalls
But forgot to help
Pick the apples–

First month
I remembered
To pick the apples
But couldn’t help
Deliver them
Because I didn’t know how to
Drive a manual tranny–

After six months
I helped clean the water supply
But I found out later
We were taught wrong and had
Poisoned the well–
No one got hurt
But I can’t seem
To do anything right

There are days when I want to
Use my written resignation
Now carried in my pocket–
But no one else will hire me
And so it stays hidden for now

This week we’ll be trained on
The harder jobs at the farm–

Well everyone except me
I have more stalls to clean and
More apples to pick–

I reach into my pocket
Grab the resignation letter
But stop myself from using it

My mind is finally
Making peace
Failed outlandish daydreams
Poetic romantic schemes

My heart however–