Day: February 23, 2018

Years ago
My brother urged me not to

The picture is a fixture
On the refrigerator that is my memory
Magnetically affixed
Like other neurological treasures–
A drawing I was fond of
A letter that wished me to get better
The smell of cookies just out of the oven 30 years ago
The sound of my nephew’s voice as he
Called me uncle for the first time last October

The picture however is of her
From a distant autumn day
When the wind had its way
Playing through her hair
I place it on my memory fridge
So farewell I will not bid
Like the other treasures
That Alzheimer’s has haphazardly buried

One day the fridge will be almost bare
And nothing else will stick to its surface
And all the little tricks I know
To keep memory fit and Alz slow
Will steal the picture
Of the girl who wanted to play my game

For whatever reason
You were determined to find
What I hid
Rummaging through boxes
Finally laughing with
Childlike delight
When you did

I can never be a parent
Because I can’t love enough

I can never be just a friend
Because I’ve fallen too much

I can never be an astronaut
Because I get sick too easily

I can never be an entrepreneur
Because it’s just too risky

I can never be myself
There’s not enough of me to share

I can never be anyone else
Because why would I dare?

All I can be
Is not who you knew

All I can be
Is what’s written before you

Take the mistakes you made
Seemingly worthless
And recycle them as fuel
To power your steps
Towards another goal

I want you
To break through
Your shame in being human
And forgive yourself
For wanting an ordinary life

Whatever talents you have
No matter how modest
Embrace and cultivate
Whatever weaknesses you have
Know them as family
Because you take them wherever you go
And they will keep you humble

Be mindful of what you say and do
Destroyer and creator
And be thankful for those you meet along your path
For often you will not realize the role
Others will play in your life
Until much later

Go my child
I can only nudge you
With my whispers
It is you
Who decides
Sidestep backward forward

When I look in your direction
You always look away
When I enter the room
You have nothing to say

How do you feel as you reel in my words
From the sea that is the page before thee?
As you filter through your catch does any of it snatch
A recognition that you’ve been there too?
Will you keep what I wrote
Or throw it overboard to float on the surface of your conscience?
Can you fathom the meaning that is teeming
In the nets sprawled on the deck?
But that is the risk I took
By raising shoals of verses meant to be fished by you
Expecting understanding to emerge anew
To know me all you had to do was look
Will you flinch at what is found?
Will revelations abound?
Will you accept without regret–?
All the while I nervously smile
And display a heart shaped like yours
That beats and bleeds
As it gives and concedes
I don’t expect
To be met halfway
For my words are yours
To keep without condition
All strings cut
As you keep trawling the ocean

Someone asked
“When are you going to publish your next book?”
You’re reading it right now

The song stuck in my head

It has come to my attention recently
That you never ever did like me–
That’s fine
The feeling has always been mutual