Last stand

I am tired of
Being judge and jury
In my pocket universe
Constantly pitting
The ideal against the real
How many places have I
Ignored outright?
How many people have I
Turned my back on?
All because they were
Not as perfect as I wanted them to be?

My filters have
(Mal)nourished me
To the point that the imperfections
The textures of the world
Are unrecognizable to me
Simply
Avoided
Shunned
Disparaged–

But I realize I am in
A feedback loop
A sociological Mobius strip
And have isolated myself
From the everyday person
From the neighborhood I find myself in
Because I foolishly seek
Something
Someone
Better

For years
I’ve built my fort
And never let anyone visit
Now I must live in it

Instead of thinking
Of what’s beyond the horizon
It seems there’s plenty of reasons
For me to stay right here
Where I am
Amid the people and places I overlooked
Even though other’s impressions of me
Cannot be undone–

That will be my penance
As I take the remaining steps I have left
To quietly move through the lives
Of those who might have known me if I had let them
Now I cannot ask them to know me
To take me in
Because it’s too late
There’s no going back

I must make the most of what I have left
There is no cavalry to rescue me
No deus ex machina
To conveniently end
The story on happy terms

But I accept that
May my tombstone be inscribed
With three words–
I am sorry